Reasons Why I am Beautiful

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I have made myself a promise. 

I am not going to talk, think, or act like I am not beautiful. 

Because I am. 

Denying that I am beautiful hurts me and it hurts the people who see the most beauty in me. 

I may not be perfect yet, but that is only because I have not fully become who I was made to be yet. 

But that doesn't make me any less beautiful.

So today, I made a list of all the reasons why I am beautiful. 

Here it is. 

Reasons Why I am Beautiful:

* God made me in His image and likeness, and who is more beautiful than God?

* I am a woman - the pinnacle of all Creation.

* I possess Feminine Genius.

* I am confident.

* I have long red hair.

* I have big brown eyes.

* I have freckles.

* I have a lovely smile that I use often. 

* I am honest.

* There is a great deal of love in my heart.

* There will never be another me, so no one can set a standard for how I should look. As long as I am the best version of myself, I am perfect. 

Stay beautiful.

Happy Valentine's Day 2013

Today has been wonderful, especially because I am loved by God. In response to this, I made Him a Valentine.

"A VALENTINE?" You may say. "For GOD!?"

Why not? I love Him more than anyone else in the universe, so the least I can do is glue a little paper Valentine into my journal for Him!

In other news, I received plenty of chocolate to keep me from being overly penitential during this Lent (thank you, Steve!), and watched the movie Anastasia with my younger sister instead of writing history and literature papers. It has been a LOVELY day.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone, and may God bless you and show you how deeply you are loved!

"In this is love: 

not that we have loved God, 

but that he loved us 

and sent his Son 

as expiation for our sins."

- 1 John 4: 10

Satisfied by God

I hope all of you are having a good, holy, and relatively happy Ash Wednesday! Fasting can be painful, but I'm pretty sure dying on the Cross was INFINITELY more painful for Jesus than anything we're going through right now. I am giving up my Tumblr for Lent, so I will definitely stop neglecting this blog and flood it with posts, I promise : )

Anyway, today I have come to a realization that God has a perfect plan. I have been aware of this for a long time, and I talk/think/pray about it a great deal. However, TODAY, through an e-mail from a friend, I came to the fullest awareness I have ever experienced of the fact that GOD HAS A PLAN, that is living and active in my life. 

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You remember Melina, my dear sweet wonderful friend who I met last month? She mentioned me and my blogs in her latest video (this is the sweetest thing ever, Melina, thank you!). I have been keeping in touch with her via e-mail, and she has been so kind as to pray for me as I wait patiently for God's will for me this year to be revealed. She asked me how this discernment was going, and I told her that so far I have come to be at peace WITH waiting on God, but I have also deeply discerned my call to marriage in a way that was unexpected and beautiful.

In response, with the theme of waiting, Melina told me about this amazing reflection that is attributed  to St. Anthony of Padua:

“Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But to a Christian, God says, “No, not until you are satisfied, Full and content with being loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me. With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.

Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship, That I have planned for you. You will never be united to another until you are united with me. Exclusive of anyone or anything else. Exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you The most thrilling plan existing… one you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you.

You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. Just wait, that’s all. Don’t be anxious, don’t worry. Don’t look around at things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don’t look around at the things you think you want, Just keep looking off and away up to me,  Or you’ll miss what I want to show you, And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love Far more wonderful than you could dream of.

You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even at this moment. To have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me.”

-St. Anthony de Padua

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I think I've heard about this reflection before, but it wasn't until Melina told me about it that I looked it up and read it. 

This has convicted me to the core.  The root of this conviction is the partial realization of the PLAN that God has for me. Three years ago, I went to my first NET retreat. It was an all-girls retreat, and I remember in my small group, we started talking about boys. Trust me, at a girls retreat, boys are discussed in depth. One of the girls told a story about how when we deeply desire to find the person we're called to marry, we have to fall in love with GOD before we can fall in love with a man. 

I think it's safe to say that I fell in love with God on that retreat. I was swept up in His goodness, faithfulness, mercy, and love. Through that retreat, I came to a point in my faith where it was MY OWN. It no longer mattered whether or not my parents stayed Catholic and made me go to Church and pray. I was going to pursue God FOR MYSELF, because I had tasted what He had for me, and I WANTED Him.

Today, it has been three years after that retreat where I heard this idea for the first time, that before we can find the person we're made to love, we need to find God and fall in love with Him. I have since  made the best friends I've ever had, deepened my relationship with God step by step, and actually applied for NET. Everything is connected somehow. And now, when I have truly, deeply, insanely discerned my call to marriage, I have my dear Melina, who sent me to these beautiful words from St. Anthony. 

I have had a beautiful and crazy year so far, and its only February. I am praying and praying about what my future holds, and I keep finding I have only been satisfied by God Himself. Yes, I'm called to marriage, but I can't find and love my future spouse until we are BOTH satisfied by God. 

God alone satisfies our every human desire. This post is ridiculously long, but if you stuck it out this far, I pray that you will let God satisfy you, no matter what He is calling you to. 

Have an awesome Lent! 

Any Other Way - Tenth Avenue North

It's not enough

it's not enough

just to say that we're okay.

I need your hurt

I need your pain;

IT'S NOT LOVE 

ANY OTHER WAY.

I do this too often. I post something and say one or all of the following:

1. OH MY GOSH THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!!

2. This is absolutely beautiful.

3. This is amazing. LOVE IT WITH ME!!!!

So I am trying to avoid ALL of them and be unique this time, because I owe this blog a decent post. It's been too long. Here goes:

A while ago, I saw the refrain to this song written on a girl's avatar on an online Catholic girls forum I'm part of. I remember she was going through an EXTREMELY rough time in her life, and she took a lot of comfort from this song. 

Just this week, I was thinking about those words, I need your hurt, I need your pain, its not love any other way. I have only recently really started to LOVE other people, and that line resonated in my heart. I, too, have been going through a rough time, because I feel lost and alone and I just don't know where God is taking me anymore. 

So I looked up the song using the magical tool that is Google, and gave it a listen. I was blown away by how accurate the lyrics are. We hear a billion songs a day about what love is and what it looks like, and this was a completely new and 100% TRUE message. 

I'm at a place where I can see very clearly how blessed I am, and how beautiful my life is. Still, my heart is aching for things that aren't realized yet, and I feel broken. And I have this terrible tendency to keep that from God. I just weather the storm and thank God when it's over, but I don't GIVE it to Him. 

This song has helped me realize that if I really want to let God love me, I need to give Him my hurt and my pain. It's not love any other way.

All This Time

I had the privilege of seeing Britt Nicole in concert last weekend, and it was fantastic. This is probably my favorite of all her awesome songs. It is so good to see her bringing God glory.

Also...

PLEASE remember to pray for those who self harm. They need love, support, and God's grace more than anything else.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death, Amen.

Have a great Monday!

Better Than a Hallelujah

I love this song so much. Right now, this is what my heart is praying. I feel broken and I don't know why, but that's alright. Because when I give that up to God, it's better than a Hallelujah. 

Cause it's not enough
it's not enough
just to say that you're okay
i need your hurt i need your pain
it's not love any other way

Tenth Avenue North

Listening to fears.

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“You have listened to fears, child,” said Aslan. “Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them. Are you brave again?” 

C. S. Lewis, Prince Caspian

I know it was no mistake that I found this quote just now.

For the past week, I have been listening to fears. I have been caught up in myself, and things that have frightened me for a long time. Last year I was struggling with these same things. I don't remember how I overcame them then, and I'm not certain why they popped back up now. I don't even know where these fears come from; they pop up from some deep wound in my heart that I can't name or overcome on my own.

I am a big fan of C. S. Lewis and his Narnia books, but I've only read the first three, so aside from an old film version (not the new Disney movie) and an audio cassette version, I'm not as familiar with the story of Prince Caspian. But I do know that it is the story of a prince who must be brave to regain his rightful throne. His fears, wounds, insecurities and doubts hold him back and cripple him.

The four Pevensie children, the Kings and Queens of Narnia, also face their own fears as they return to the world they once grew up in.

I feel a lot like Prince Caspian and the Pevensies right now. There are beautiful and noble things in my life to fight for, but I am held back by fears that plague me again and again. 

In the world of Narnia, Aslan is the Creator of all things. He is the God of Narnia; he is an all-good, all-knowing being who loves his children, especially when they are weakest. 

I know God speaks to me in the same way Aslan speaks to Susan. He challenges me to face the fears I have allowed to cripple me. He breathes His life on me, and gives me His courage and strength. Then, He tells me to put my fears behind me; they are overcome. And I am brave again. 

Loneliness and Solitude

 

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Loneliness and solitude are two things not to get confused: 

because I spend my solitude with You.

--Therapy, Reliant K

This weekend, I got to go on a really unique and amazing retreat. There were only 8 of us, unlike most retreats I've been to that typically have like 40 to 200 people. It was led by our wonderful priest, Fr. Jeremy, and two of the coolest Sisters in the whole wide world, Sr. Regina Marie and Sr. Magdalena Marie.

Retreats are totally awesome, but they're also really, really hard. They demand that you ask questions you put off for weeks, months...even years. For example...

Who am I? Who is God? What do I want? Why am I here? What does God want from me, and will He ask too much? What if it hurts? What if it's terrifying? What about X, Y, and Z back home? What if I feel nothing? What if I waste the opportunity?

My experience on this retreat contained all that, but one thing that really stood out to me was that I felt lonely. And that happens to me a lot. I just feel so achingly lonely as I watch all the other girls walk together and chat about life back home. I've never had that. I love being with people, but I often end up the loner. No one purposefully excludes me, it just happens.

So I start thinking about friends and family back home, and wish they were around, and wish for conversations and hugs that I'm not experiencing.

A fear that also finds itself nestled in that loneliness is the fear that when I'm alone, I've lost my identity. We let our environment define us more often than we let God.

But, on this retreat, we were encouraged to seek some alone time. We had two or three periods where we were all just sent off on our own to pray any way we felt. As I walked in that same somewhat lonely solitude, praying the Stations of the Cross at our beautiful retreat site, I came to a real understanding about that recurring loneliness I have.

No one can fill it but God. It will always be there, until I give it to God for Him to fill to the brim.

And that makes it something really beautiful.

God bless you : )

Valentine's Day 2012

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"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives."

-C. S. Lewis

To everyone I love.

To everyone who loves me.

To God, who is Himself Love. 

Happy Valentine's Day. 

Reasons for Rejoicing

Why rejoice?

Why bother?

Life is full of awful things; rape, theft, murder, betrayal, denial, greed, selfishness, accidents, disasters, suffering, misery, despair, and ultimately: death.

So, why rejoice?

As Christians, we are practically ORDERED to rejoice:


"Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice." Philippians 4:4


But obviously we can't rejoice without a reason. 


So the question is:


IS there a reason to rejoice.


Yes. Yes, there is.


My reason for rejoicing is that I have been given hope. I have hope that God's love never fails, and will never abandon me or forsake me, no matter what I do. No matter how hopeless I seem or how alone I may feel, I have hope that by God's grace, I will make it to Heaven where I will never be afraid again.


This is the reason for my hope. And I rejoice.

"Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." - 1 Peter 3:15


God bless NET team #7 and the DYC staff who put on an amazing retreat for my diocese yesterday. Thank you for your love and example; thank you for reminding us to rejoice.

Being Organized

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Ok, so...that's what my 'being organized' looks like.

Pretty ugly, huh?

But, seriously, that's what I do. I am only sane if I am in a complete frenzy to keep everything under control.

Note I said SANE, not CALM. Or HAPPY. Or NORMAL.

That's pretty much what I do when I'm not organized, too. The two about the same to everyone else.

Its a real shame, but I am a complete OCD control freak.

Just yesterday, my mother was trying to find photographic proof that Carter Oosterhouse was really married, and I stood behind her and said, "Do you want me to do it so it doesn't take five years?"

Needless to say, she gave me a most withering look and came very close to taking away my Internet privileges for five years.

That's a little bit beside the point, which is that I have a ridiculous need to control everything around me.

I read somewhere once that WORRY is a brain mechanism, where you subconsciously believe that if you give something enough of your attention, you can fix it.

I think that about sums up my personality.

But think about the average life of a teenager: school, work, family, extra-curricular activities, sleep, eat, stress.

Being organized helps me to focus on what's important. Unfortunately, for a very long time now it has given me a false sense of control.

I am trying to slowly just give up.

Surrender.

I can't fix everything. I can't do anything but pray sometimes.

God's got it under control.

Just think...if I surrendered, if I stopped trying to 'worry' everything into order, I might someday be so unstressed, I won't need to be organized.

Until that miracle happens, here's to effort, and to doing the very best we can.

Digging for Gold

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Lately, I've been having an identity crisis, and digging for gold.

I tell myself I only want the truth, but I know better. Inside, I'd settle for a beautiful lie so no one would have to be hurt. Which is maybe the worst thing of all.

But still, in spite of my fear that the truth will hurt me, or someone I love, I want to know it. I seek it out, maybe subconsciously.

I want to know what love really is. I want to know who can be trusted. I want to know how many seeds are in the average pomegranate. I want to know how a digital camera really works. I want to know who invented hot glue guns. I want to pretend I don't know that a chocolate covered cherry isn't really injected with the gooey syrup...stupid reactionary science in food. I want to know that everything will be OK. I want to know that someone I love will never, ever leave me. I want to know that if they do leave, it's for a good reason, and something even better is just out of sight.

Most of all...I want to know who I am.

It's become an obsession of mine recently to discover why I am the way I am, what I want, who I want to be with, what I want to do, and what I want to become. I want to know why I get so afraid of things all the time. I want to find the gold hiding at the bottom of the stream of my heart. I want to pull it out and polish it and show the world that I really do have worth!

It's like I have this unrealistic idea that if I know myself, I'll be worth something. I'll have proof of what I am and what I can do.

For instance, recently I did a post on Lovers/Fighters. After that post, my friend sent me a 7-question quiz to see if you're a lover or a fighter, and when I took it, it said I was a fighter. After all my talk about how I was more of a lover, I laughed at it and said, "NOPE!"

But later, my mom and sisters laughed at me and said I was totally a fighter. So I pondered this. You know what? It's completely true. But, in my search for self-discovery, I was actually OK with that.

 If you don't know who you are, someone else will tell you. I'm desperately reaching out and holding onto my identity as a girl, as a Christian, as a human being. Because the thing about your identity, is that if you don't have it, you'll be taken by anyone. If you have it, than no one can take it away.

So often, I'm desperately searching for who I am...usually outside of myself, maybe because I know that where I really ought to go to find me, is inside of me. And I'm afraid to go there.

I get so hung up on a superficial 'identity', on learning new things about myself, on becoming perfect and all that I can be. I focus so much on the 'work', that I never bear any fruit. I go so crazy to get what I want, that I never actually get it.

What I too frequently let myself forget, is that I already have an identity.

Ever since I was little, my parents told me who I was. They told me, "You are a gift from God."

They told me I was a priceless treasure that they wouldn't trade for anything.

And I think they were telling me that God felt the same way, too.

"I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys." Song of Songs 2:1

I'm still seeking out for myself and who I am, because I know that this is a great strength. But I also know that no matter what I know about myself, I don't need to worry that I have no identity. I'll keep asking myself new questions and doing new things and becoming more and more myself. I am a little piece of gold, hiding beneath rocks and rushing river.

All along, God is searching for me. He will never give up until he finds me, and makes me into something beautiful.