Waiting

I just realized that my dear Anne Marie has been waiting to hear whether or not I got accepted to NET Ministries!

I did not. I received a letter two weeks ago saying that while I was not accepted for this coming NET year, they are going to contact me this October and ask me to strongly consider reapplying. The same thing happened to my older sister when she applied, and she was accepted the second time around and served for two years.

Will I reapply?

I have no idea. I really don't. I want to, but at the same time, I feel like maybe I'm just not cut out for it. The demanding lifestyle of a missionary sounds really awesome to me, but also really scary and difficult. I only applied this year because I knew God was asking me to. Now?

Well, now I am waiting. Waiting is super hard. It's boring. And it's also kind of scary. Because I have no idea what God wants of me anymore. Fortunately, God has given me peace about waiting, but stilll...it's WAITING. I have no idea what this year holds for me. All I know is that just hours before I read that letter, telling me I would not be serving on NET this coming school year, God promised me an adventure.

And He's promised that it will be amazing.

So. That's what I've been up to. Sorry for totally leaving you hanging, Anne Marie!

Restless

An anticipated surprise.

There's an oxymoron.

If you anticipate a surprise, it isn't a surprise anymore.

It's like expecting the unexpected.

Not literally possible.

So...why am I waiting for a surprise?

I hear a noise behind me, and my petty, gift-loving self perks up its ears and says, "Is that somebody about to surprise me!?"

I think that must be a sign of progressing insanity.

Why on earth do I keep thinking someone, or something, is going to surprise me?

Why am I  waiting for something special?

Do I really deserve something out of the ordinary...something surprising?


Is it wrong to long for surprise?

Should I go looking for my own kind of surprise...or make my own?


Am I unhappy with the ordinary? Am I bored? Or do I need to climb up onto my desk and look at everything from a different perspective?

So many questions...and what is it I'm waiting for?

When you're young, there is so much to anticipate, that sometimes it negates what has happened, and more importantly, what is happening. I think maybe that's what's happening now.

Maybe my expectations have swallowed up my existence.

"Our hearts are restless until they rest in You, oh Lord."

--St. Augustine

Dear God, please help me to let go of this need for something besides You. This restlessness, this need to be jolted awake, this desire for surprise, I believe You have placed it within me. Help me to turn the entirety of this desire to You, in Whom alone my heart can find rest. Let every restless heart find peace in You, oh Lord. Let us anticipate Your love and Your call above all else. Amen.

"There is nothing more beautiful than to be surprised by the Gospel, by the encounter with Christ."

--Pope Benedict XVI