Neglecting the Gift

* I know my last post was really deep, too, but these things needed to be said. 

Maybe I'll make a post about my boyfriend tomorrow to lighten things up.

You never know.

So I'm sitting on my bed, reading the daily readings. I start with the First Reading, because, obviously, that's the order things go in. I flip to 1 Timothy 4, and read verses 12-16.

Right there in the middle. Underlined with the dark black pen.

Do not neglect the gift you have. 

This line is very convicting for me. Unlike Timothy, my gifts weren't conferred on me through 'prophetic word' or by 'the imposition of hands' (at least, not that I know of...). My gifts are the garden variety, I suppose. I write, I draw, I paint, I take pictures, I sew, I knit, I -

- no, wait.

I talk about doing those things. 

I've had several very long, very irritatingly true conversations with my boyfriend about the fact that I never finish things that I write, and that's pretty much because I just...don't write.

I talk about a lot of things, but I mostly do the following things, which are neither constructive, nor do they make me truly happy:

1. Go on the internet/computer (a lot).

2. Eat.

3. Complain.

I know I'm far from being the only young adult/teenager who suffers from this horrible condition of procrastination and mediocrity, while at the same time dying to be amazing and productive. 

But, as Spider Man always says no matter how many times they retell his tragic story through animation and live-action movies: "With great power comes great responsibility."

 #secondfavoritechildhoodsuperhero

Translation: Spider Man's power was his 'gift'. 

So, too, with OUR great gifts, come great responsibilities. 

And its not exactly very responsible to neglect something only you have the ability to do, right? 

I ask you - what if Spider Man had sat around all the time watching movies instead of crawling up walls and fighting crime? 

Confession time:

I neglect my gifts. 

I shamelessly let them sit around, gathering dust in my closet and under my bed, because creating things and practicing things and DOING things - well, that takes work. And my natural, sinful inclination towards laziness and selfishness makes me want to avoid the work of exercising my gifts and just sit around doing nothing instead. 

I know better than anyone that doing nothing makes me unhappy. It makes me sick. It makes me feel genuinely repulsed towards myself. Because I was not made to do nothing; I was given a specific and very unique set of gifts that will enable me to do, quite literally, EVERYTHING I was put on this earth TO do. 

#mindblown

And I have first-hand evidence of how freaking AWESOME doing things can be.

I get to see a play that I WROTE being PERFORMED next month! I'm going to have to sit in the audience with a sock shoved in my mouth or something because if no one else laughs, I'll feel like an idiot. But this immense, beautiful blessing has only been given to me by God because I put in the work and effort to USE MY GIFT and write a short play. 

I am going to go back to Italy after only two years! Because I'm working my butt of to make enough money to go, and because I want to experience more of it. 

When we neglect our gifts, we are harming ourselves more than anything else. We'll never be truly happy. But at the same time, we are robbing the world of something only we can do/be. When we write our gifts off as hobbies (GUILTY), we are eliminating the possibility of ever letting the world see the glory of God in what He can do through us. 

My prayer in the midst of all these reflections is that I would stop neglecting my gifts. I pray that I would see how precious my time and talents are, and how quickly they will be gone if I neglect them. I spent the last two days downright sad and being very mean to myself, because, doing nothing, I was left feeling repulsed with myself. 

And that's not to say that we are only good if we are productive. That would suck. But it IS to say that because we are capable of letting God do great things through us, we should. 

It is the only responsible thing to do with these gifts we are empowered with - to use them, and to use them for the greater good, which only God can define. 

In the spirit of doing/creating things - I made this last night. I haven't had time with my suddenly very busy work schedule to make anything actually impressive, but I did have time to do some photo-editing with some song lyrics I really like. 

I am flawed

but I am cleaning up so well

I am seeing in me now

the things you swore

you saw yourself

Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional

Edited with my good friend PicMonkey.

(click to see larger)

God bless your weekend; use your gifts!

The Weight of Glory

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"There are no ordinary people. 

You have never talked to a mere mortal. 

Nations, cultures, arts, civilization—these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. 

But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit—immortal horrors or everlasting splendors. 

This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. 

We must play. 

But our merriment must be of that kind 
(and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) 
which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously — no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. 

And our charity must be real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner—no mere tolerance or indulgence which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. 

Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses."

The Weight of Glory - C. S. Lewis

Reasons Why I am Beautiful

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I have made myself a promise. 

I am not going to talk, think, or act like I am not beautiful. 

Because I am. 

Denying that I am beautiful hurts me and it hurts the people who see the most beauty in me. 

I may not be perfect yet, but that is only because I have not fully become who I was made to be yet. 

But that doesn't make me any less beautiful.

So today, I made a list of all the reasons why I am beautiful. 

Here it is. 

Reasons Why I am Beautiful:

* God made me in His image and likeness, and who is more beautiful than God?

* I am a woman - the pinnacle of all Creation.

* I possess Feminine Genius.

* I am confident.

* I have long red hair.

* I have big brown eyes.

* I have freckles.

* I have a lovely smile that I use often. 

* I am honest.

* There is a great deal of love in my heart.

* There will never be another me, so no one can set a standard for how I should look. As long as I am the best version of myself, I am perfect. 

Stay beautiful.

Why I'm praying Kermit Gosnell does not get the death penalty

If you haven't heard of the Gosnell murder case, here is a generally informative article about it.

I first heard about this in March, about the time the trial started. I was horrified and upset by the details of absolute disregard for the health, safety, and dignity of the women who went to have abortions from Gosnell's clinic, and that innocent babies were being killed there by the thousands.

Yesterday, the jury ruled Gosnell guilty of three cases of murder of infants who were born alive after failed abortions, and unintentional manslaughter of a 41 year old woman. In the article announcing this ruling, there was a line that bothered me:


"The trial will move next week into a sentencing phase, when the jurors will be called back to decide whether Gosnell, 72, should receive the death penalty or life in prison. Prosecutors intend to seek the death penalty, and the multiple murder convictions are likely to bolster their argument." (Read the whole article)

This makes me so frustrated. Yes, this man is guilty of murder, and YES, ABSOLUTELY he needs to face just punishment for what he's done. But I am pro-life. I know that life is sacred and precious from conception to natural death. Therefore, I believe that Gosnell is guilty of the murder of EVERY CHILD HE HAS EVER ABORTED. That's how precious life is to me. 

And that is why I am praying, starting today, that Kermit Gosnell will not receive the death penalty. There is absolutely no cause for it. In the United States, we have every capacity to keep criminals locked up safely. I think it would be just as wrong to sentence Gosnell to death as it was for him to murder innocent human beings. 

Mercy is not popular these days. Even the word 'mercy' is often associated with weakness or indifference. But Jesus Christ died on a cross 2,000+ years ago so that Gosnell could be forgiven and shown mercy for his crimes. I pray Gosnell will be shown mercy, because his life is just as valuable and important as any other life.

Prayer For An End To The Death Penalty

 

Merciful Father, we ask your blessing on all  we do to build a culture of life. Hear our prayers for those impacted by the  death penalty.

We pray for all people, that their lives and  dignity as children of a loving God may be respected and protected in all  stages and circumstances.  

We pray for victims of violence and their  families, that they may experience our love and support and find comfort in  your compassion and in the promise of eternal life.

We pray for those on death row, that their  lives may be spared, that the innocent may be freed and that the guilty may  come to acknowledge their faults and seek reconciliation with you.  

We pray for the families of those who are  facing execution, that they may be comforted by your love and compassion.

We pray for civic leaders, that they may  commit themselves to respecting every human life and ending the use of the  death penalty in our land.  

Compassionate Father, give us wisdom and  hearts filled with your love. Guide us as we work to end the use of the death  penalty and to build a society that truly “chooses life” in all situations.

We  ask this Father through your Son Jesus Christ who lives and reigns with the  Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever.    

Amen

(Source)

Buh-bye, Tumblr!

As you may have noticed, my 'check out my Tumblr' sidebar thing is gone.

That is because my Tumblr is gone.

Completely.

No more Tumblr. I made a post yesterday saying it would be my last, and it was. This morning I went into my account and deleted it. Which was a serious process. Tumblr gave me like three chances to turn back.

Why did I do this?

A lot of reasons.
1. Tumblr, as you may or may not know, is a horribly LIFE-SUCKING website. Its constantly updating with new posts. You could literally be on Tumblr for the rest of your life and not run out of new posts if you follow enough people from enough different time-zones. I'm not even kidding.

2. I was neglecting this blog because of Tumblr! I'm sure you've noticed...I hadn't made a post yet this month. And believe it or not, I always liked this blog better than Tumblr.

3. For a long time I've been praying about my Tumblr, about whether or not I should stop going on or unfollow a bunch of people. I gave it up for Lent, and my life was actually a lot rosier. Tumblr was actually stressful for me, and it took up SO MUCH TIME. I could be on Tumblr for two hours at once time, and usually I should have been doing something else. Praying about it, I finally just accepted that I kept feeling like I should delete it because I SHOULD delete it. It was keeping me from growing in holiness. It had to go.

Tumblr is a great website, but for a person who doesn't have much self-discipline, it can be a black hole of mindless internet surfing. *DRAMTIC MUSIC*

I decided if I didn't get rid of it completely, the distraction would always be there.

So, here I am, dear Blog! Back again to stay!

Redemptive Suffering - Good Friday 2013

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Today, we remember the Passion and Death of our Lord Jesus Christ on the Cross. In the Catholic Church, we call this Friday before Easter 'Good Friday', and we abstain from eating meat and fast from eating large meals or snacks between meals. Having inherited my dad's metabolism, I will admit that I hate fasting. I get crabby when I'm hungry, which is a problem when you're trying to be EXTRA holy as you remember how your Lord and Savior died an agonizing death for you.
In January of this year, I finished reading the book Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. My final paper had to be about the theme of redemptive suffering in the novel, and I was stuck. I had no idea how to define 'redemptive suffering'. In my head it kind of made sense, but when I tried to write about it, I felt like an idiot. I just couldn't wrap my mind around it.
Remember, I'm the one who dislikes fasting because it does its job in helping me feel more united to Christ's suffering on the Cross. 
This was my final literature paper for my first semester of senior year, and I wanted to blow it out of the water. So I took a pen and a notebook with me to youth group on Wednesday night and basically dumped the entire thing into my priest's lap. And, being the ridiculously generous guy that he is, Fr. Jeremy spent an hour and a half talking to me about my paper, Crime and Punishment (which he had never even read), and redemptive suffering. All but two people left while I talked to him, which I felt kind of bad about. Apparently most teenagers aren't freakishly philosophical (or home schooled).
Thanks to Fr. Jeremy, I accomplished my goal: I blew my paper out of the water. I printed him a copy and gave it to him, and he said, "Very impressive for a junior in high school,"
My heart sank. "I'm a senior."
"Really!? Well, it's very good for a senior in high school!"

Now, why am I recounting this? Because through writing that paper, I came to understand a little better WHY we fast on Good Friday, and why we recall the horrifically gruesome death that Jesus died. In the summer of 2012, while I was on a retreat, I was praying before the Blessed Sacrament and I felt compelled to tell Jesus, "I give my life to You, because YOU are worth dying for!"
And Jesus replied, in the depths of my soul, "Yes. And you needed to know that. But what is more important is that you are worth dying for. I made you worth dying for, and I did." 
Jesus' sacrifice on the Cross was not an impersonal event in history. It transformed everything; life, death, and yes, suffering. Christ, in redeeming all of mankind, also redeemed suffering. He made suffering something that could purify us, and save us. 

Here is my paper on the theme of redemptive suffering in Crime and Punishment. I am very proud of it because I fought for it. I have never worked as hard on any paper as I did on this one, mainly because I didn't understand how suffering could redeem me, and I wanted to. 

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Literature Qtr 2 Week 7 Paper

            In Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s masterpiece, Crime and Punishment, the reader is taken through an inside-out murder mystery, where you know everything about the crime and the criminal from Book One. The main character and murderer, Raskolnikov, is tormented by his desire to shape history rather than being shaped by it. This self-imposed suffering within him causes him to lash out and murder two innocent women to try and prove he is ‘a man of greatness’. Raskolnikov’s story is a difficult one to read because it is riddled with evil and suffering that seems meaningless and insane. However, the central theme of Crime and Punishment is that suffering can be redemptive, and this is embodied by the young Sonia Marmeladov, who was forced into prostitution by her stepmother yet still carries the divine light of God’s love inside of her.

Redemptive suffering occurs when a person is open to the love of God, and can therefore unite their own sufferings to Christ’s on the cross, which is transformative for their soul or for the soul of another. In Crime and Punishment, there is no lack of suffering, be it emotional, mental, physical, or spiritual. Raskolnikov suffers mentally and spiritually from his disordered desire for greatness. The drunken Marmeladov suffers physically from his addiction which he cannot control but regrets immensely, and drags his destitute family down with him. The depraved Svidrigailov, who tries to seduce Raskolnikov’s sister Dunia, suffers emotionally from regret and a crippling fear of death that he overcomes only to kill himself. It would be easy to say that Crime and Punishment has a theme of redemptive suffering if the main character was pious and humble in his pain, but Raskolnikov is a proud sinner who believes up until the final page that his crime was justifiable and his suffering worthless. How, then, could all this suffering, which resembles insanity more than anything else, ever redeem anyone?

In Dr. Alan White’s talk on Dostoyevsky’s writing, Dr. White says that Dostoyevsky held that there is no redemption outside of Christ, and that this redemption must come through suffering. But the notion of suffering as a positive thing, let alone a redemptive thing, is a difficult idea to get one’s mind around. This is especially because redemptive suffering can be taken to an unhealthy extreme, and it is, even in Crime and Punishment itself. The painter Nikolay Dementiev is suspected of the murders that Raskolnikov committed, and Nikolay goes so far as to confess that he is the murderer, to end the torment of suspicion, and to take on the suffering of another man. To purposefully seek out physical suffering, through self-mutilation or trying to dishonestly take on another’s guilt as Nikolay does, is not redemptive, because it is done without love. When Raskolnikov believes his suffering is worthless, he is right, because suffering in and of itself, without love, is lunacy.

The theme of suffering in Crime and Punishment that is redemptive, in my opinion, lies within the prostitute Sonia. She is not fully culpable for her crime of prostitution because she was literally forced into it to provide financial support for her family. This innocent young woman suffers unspeakably from her life as a street-walker, because it requires her to partially extinguish her own divine light every single day. But Sonia is redeemed in her suffering unlike any other. She suffers to try and relieve the suffering of others, but not at the expense of her soul, as Nikolay does out of fear. She suffers in and with Christ, abiding in His love, and clinging to faith in God and His mercy when everyone else sees in her situation only shame and despair. After Raskolnikov confesses his crime and is sentenced to eight years of labor in Siberia, Sonia follows him and offers every moment of suffering she experiences in serving him that his soul may be saved. She unites her suffering to Christ, and it takes on a redemptive power.

Finally, if it is true that redemptive suffering is the central theme of Crime and Punishment, it only makes sense that the main character would be touched by it. Is he? Is Raskolnikov redeemed by his great and terrible suffering, especially because he, for the most part, brought it willfully upon himself? Perhaps a more important question, if the murderous Raskolnikov really can be redeemed, is this: What redeems him? I personally do not believe that Raskolnikov’s own suffering was redemptive for him at all. It hardens him and makes him bitter to a point where he is numb and purely apathetic towards life itself. What redeems him is love; Sonia’s love, the love with which she suffers. He is transformed slowly by love for Sonia, which turns not his suffering, but her suffering, into something that will make a new man of him. This redemption and transformation takes a long time to flower within the murderer’s heart; it seems for most of the book that Raskolnikov is beyond the reach of God’s grace entirely. Sonia patiently loves him even though she is terrified and saddened by him, and it is her humility, love, and persistence that redeem Raskolnikov. Sonia is the one whom redemptive suffering works through. She is the lantern by which God bears His divine life, and the redemption of the Cross, to the sinner’s heart.

The redemptive power of suffering is a message riddled throughout Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment, but it is found mainly within one woman only. It is difficult to imagine a group more saturated in sinfulness, or people who suffer more horrifically, than the cast of Crime and Punishment. Suffering is a terrible evil, but it can relieve the temporal punishment for the even greater evil of sin. Though the idea of redemptive suffering is a difficult and mysterious one, it is a reality. It is nothing to ignore, this wondrous idea, that a murderer like Raskolnikov could find redemption, especially through suffering; the suffering of the woman who loved him.

May God bless you and keep you this Good Friday 2013!

Never Gone Cover, Melina B.

Once again, Melina has done an amazing cover of an amazing song! This one is for a Youtube contest, so I offered to shamelessly promote her. I had never heard the song Never Gone by Colton Dixon before (which is a shame because it's amazing!), so I looked it up after I listened to Melina's version.

I actually like her's better! I still love Colton Dixon's original, but her acoustic cover was so impressive, beautiful and passionate to me. So give her a listen and pray for her; she will be serving with NET Ministries starting in August, and she's trying to get into the Christian music industry someday.

God bless you Melina, and good luck! : )

Habemus Papam!

We have a Pope!!

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Pope Francis I!

I am so excited.

This morning, I got up at 5:15 in order to be at my parish priest's house at 5:45 a. m. so that we could see what color the smoke was at 6 a. m. As some of you may know, it was black. So our youth group hung out for a little while, chatting and eating donuts and drinking coffee. Than my sister and I walked home and went on with our day.

After lunch, I was in my room about to start another school assignment, when my sister received a text. She gasped, and said, "Do we have a Pope!?"

Indeed we did! White smoke was pouring out of the chimney above the Sistine Chapel, and soon five of us were crowded around one iPod, dying to find out who our new Papa was going to be. 

About thirty minutes before Pope Francis came out, we got another text from a girl in our youth group. Everyone was back at Father's house! We raced over there to watch it together. We prayed for the new pope, whoever he was, and pondered who he might be. Of course we hoped he might be an American, but when the doors opened, nothing else mattered. We had a new Papa.

When Pope Benedict XVI Emeritus was being elected, I remember hoping the new pope would be named Francis. Now, he is. 

Please, please, PLEASE join my in praying for Pope Francis to be the greatest Papa he can be! This world needs a Pope who can love fearlessly and show US how to love fearlessly!

Oh God, pour forth your blessings upon Pope Francis I. Make him holy. Make him like You. Make him a saint who can help us grow in holiness and truth above all else. 

St. Francis of Assisi, please bless and protect your Brother in Christ, Pope Francis, who has taken your name as he steps up to guide the Church as Shepherd. 

Through the intercession of Pope Blessed John Paul II, Pope Blessed John XXIII, Mary Queen of Heaven, and all the Angels and Saints, I pray, Amen.  

Farewell, Benedict XVI!

A year ago, I saw Pope Benedict XVI in person twice. I was overcome with love and respect for him as the leader of the Catholic Church on earth; the successor of St. Peter. Today, this man is resigning as Pope and following God's call to live quietly and simply. I know a lot of people will do nothing but hate him and spread lies about him for this decision, but I only respect him more for it. 

I, too, am in a position right now where I am making decisions that people think are stupid, or cowardly, or a waste of my time. But I am trying to follow God's will for me, so it doesn't matter what people think or say. Pope Benedict has done an incredible job leading the Church through times of trial in the 8 years he has been reigning. No one has any right to judge him but God, and I will not judge the people who lash out at him. I will continue to love him and pray for him as he slips into the shadows to pray for every one of us for the remainder of his time here on earth. 

Of course, I am sad to see him step down. I was ten years old when he was elected, and I remember sitting in the living room, watching the news coverage of the reelection, waiting to find out who our new pope would be. I was bouncing up and down on the couch and shouted, "This is so exciting! I've never seen a re-poping before!" I had no idea who Joseph Ratzinger even was when he walked out as the newly elected Pope Benedict XVI, but I immediately loved him and couldn't wait to see what he would do.

God bless you, Papa Benedict, and may you live in health, peace, and joy as you leave the papacy at the promptings of the Holy Spirit! Thank you for all you have done!

 I also pray for whoever will succeed Pope Benedict. Holy Spirit, come over the Cardinals, and please help them choose a man who will be like Jesus for us; someone who will show us how to be like Jesus. Give us a saint, someone with fierce holiness and unending love for Your people. 

Through the intercession of Bl. John Paul II, Bl. John XXIII, Mary our most Holy Mother, and all the angels and saints in heaven, I pray, Amen.

Happy Valentine's Day 2013

Today has been wonderful, especially because I am loved by God. In response to this, I made Him a Valentine.

"A VALENTINE?" You may say. "For GOD!?"

Why not? I love Him more than anyone else in the universe, so the least I can do is glue a little paper Valentine into my journal for Him!

In other news, I received plenty of chocolate to keep me from being overly penitential during this Lent (thank you, Steve!), and watched the movie Anastasia with my younger sister instead of writing history and literature papers. It has been a LOVELY day.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone, and may God bless you and show you how deeply you are loved!

"In this is love: 

not that we have loved God, 

but that he loved us 

and sent his Son 

as expiation for our sins."

- 1 John 4: 10

Satisfied by God

I hope all of you are having a good, holy, and relatively happy Ash Wednesday! Fasting can be painful, but I'm pretty sure dying on the Cross was INFINITELY more painful for Jesus than anything we're going through right now. I am giving up my Tumblr for Lent, so I will definitely stop neglecting this blog and flood it with posts, I promise : )

Anyway, today I have come to a realization that God has a perfect plan. I have been aware of this for a long time, and I talk/think/pray about it a great deal. However, TODAY, through an e-mail from a friend, I came to the fullest awareness I have ever experienced of the fact that GOD HAS A PLAN, that is living and active in my life. 

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You remember Melina, my dear sweet wonderful friend who I met last month? She mentioned me and my blogs in her latest video (this is the sweetest thing ever, Melina, thank you!). I have been keeping in touch with her via e-mail, and she has been so kind as to pray for me as I wait patiently for God's will for me this year to be revealed. She asked me how this discernment was going, and I told her that so far I have come to be at peace WITH waiting on God, but I have also deeply discerned my call to marriage in a way that was unexpected and beautiful.

In response, with the theme of waiting, Melina told me about this amazing reflection that is attributed  to St. Anthony of Padua:

“Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.

But to a Christian, God says, “No, not until you are satisfied, Full and content with being loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me. With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone.

Discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, Will you be capable of the perfect human relationship, That I have planned for you. You will never be united to another until you are united with me. Exclusive of anyone or anything else. Exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow me to give you The most thrilling plan existing… one you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you.

You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. Just wait, that’s all. Don’t be anxious, don’t worry. Don’t look around at things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don’t look around at the things you think you want, Just keep looking off and away up to me,  Or you’ll miss what I want to show you, And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love Far more wonderful than you could dream of.

You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even at this moment. To have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me.”

-St. Anthony de Padua

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I think I've heard about this reflection before, but it wasn't until Melina told me about it that I looked it up and read it. 

This has convicted me to the core.  The root of this conviction is the partial realization of the PLAN that God has for me. Three years ago, I went to my first NET retreat. It was an all-girls retreat, and I remember in my small group, we started talking about boys. Trust me, at a girls retreat, boys are discussed in depth. One of the girls told a story about how when we deeply desire to find the person we're called to marry, we have to fall in love with GOD before we can fall in love with a man. 

I think it's safe to say that I fell in love with God on that retreat. I was swept up in His goodness, faithfulness, mercy, and love. Through that retreat, I came to a point in my faith where it was MY OWN. It no longer mattered whether or not my parents stayed Catholic and made me go to Church and pray. I was going to pursue God FOR MYSELF, because I had tasted what He had for me, and I WANTED Him.

Today, it has been three years after that retreat where I heard this idea for the first time, that before we can find the person we're made to love, we need to find God and fall in love with Him. I have since  made the best friends I've ever had, deepened my relationship with God step by step, and actually applied for NET. Everything is connected somehow. And now, when I have truly, deeply, insanely discerned my call to marriage, I have my dear Melina, who sent me to these beautiful words from St. Anthony. 

I have had a beautiful and crazy year so far, and its only February. I am praying and praying about what my future holds, and I keep finding I have only been satisfied by God Himself. Yes, I'm called to marriage, but I can't find and love my future spouse until we are BOTH satisfied by God. 

God alone satisfies our every human desire. This post is ridiculously long, but if you stuck it out this far, I pray that you will let God satisfy you, no matter what He is calling you to. 

Have an awesome Lent! 

Waiting

I just realized that my dear Anne Marie has been waiting to hear whether or not I got accepted to NET Ministries!

I did not. I received a letter two weeks ago saying that while I was not accepted for this coming NET year, they are going to contact me this October and ask me to strongly consider reapplying. The same thing happened to my older sister when she applied, and she was accepted the second time around and served for two years.

Will I reapply?

I have no idea. I really don't. I want to, but at the same time, I feel like maybe I'm just not cut out for it. The demanding lifestyle of a missionary sounds really awesome to me, but also really scary and difficult. I only applied this year because I knew God was asking me to. Now?

Well, now I am waiting. Waiting is super hard. It's boring. And it's also kind of scary. Because I have no idea what God wants of me anymore. Fortunately, God has given me peace about waiting, but stilll...it's WAITING. I have no idea what this year holds for me. All I know is that just hours before I read that letter, telling me I would not be serving on NET this coming school year, God promised me an adventure.

And He's promised that it will be amazing.

So. That's what I've been up to. Sorry for totally leaving you hanging, Anne Marie!

Any Other Way - Tenth Avenue North

It's not enough

it's not enough

just to say that we're okay.

I need your hurt

I need your pain;

IT'S NOT LOVE 

ANY OTHER WAY.

I do this too often. I post something and say one or all of the following:

1. OH MY GOSH THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!!

2. This is absolutely beautiful.

3. This is amazing. LOVE IT WITH ME!!!!

So I am trying to avoid ALL of them and be unique this time, because I owe this blog a decent post. It's been too long. Here goes:

A while ago, I saw the refrain to this song written on a girl's avatar on an online Catholic girls forum I'm part of. I remember she was going through an EXTREMELY rough time in her life, and she took a lot of comfort from this song. 

Just this week, I was thinking about those words, I need your hurt, I need your pain, its not love any other way. I have only recently really started to LOVE other people, and that line resonated in my heart. I, too, have been going through a rough time, because I feel lost and alone and I just don't know where God is taking me anymore. 

So I looked up the song using the magical tool that is Google, and gave it a listen. I was blown away by how accurate the lyrics are. We hear a billion songs a day about what love is and what it looks like, and this was a completely new and 100% TRUE message. 

I'm at a place where I can see very clearly how blessed I am, and how beautiful my life is. Still, my heart is aching for things that aren't realized yet, and I feel broken. And I have this terrible tendency to keep that from God. I just weather the storm and thank God when it's over, but I don't GIVE it to Him. 

This song has helped me realize that if I really want to let God love me, I need to give Him my hurt and my pain. It's not love any other way.

If you want to, you can.

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At the beginning of the school year last fall, I found this quote in my theology book. It spoke directly to my heart, and it still does. 

"In your life, there are two things that do not fit together: your head and your heart. Your intelligence — enlightened by faith — shows you the way clearly. It can also point out the difference between following that way heroically or stupidly. Above all, it places before you the divine greatness and beauty of the undertakings the Trinity leaves in our hands. Your feelings, on the other hand, become attached to everything you despise, even while you consider it despicable. It seems as if a thousand trifles were awaiting the least opportunity, and as soon as your poor will is weakened, through physical tiredness or lack of supernatural outlook, those little things pile up and excite your imagination, until they form a mountain that oppresses and discourages you. Things such as the rough edges of your work, your resistance to obedience; the lack of proper means; the will-o’-the-wisp attractions of an easy life; greater or smaller repugnant temptations; bouts of over-sentimentality; tiredness; the bitter taste of spiritual mediocrity… And sometimes also fear; fear because you know God wants you to be a saint, and you are not a saint. Allow me to talk to you bluntly. You have more than enough “reasons” to turn back, and you lack the resolution to correspond to the grace that He grants you, since He has called you to be another Christ — ipse Christus! — Christ himself. You have forgotten the Lord’s admonition to the Apostle: “My grace is enough for you!”, which is confirmation that, if you want to, you can." — Saint Josemaría Escrivá , Furrow, 166 source Also! Today, hundreds of thousands of people were in Washington D. C. for the March for Life to show the world they will not sit by while abortion takes place in our country. I pray that Saint Josemaría Escrivá would intercede for the world at the throne of Heaven, that we may live to see the end of legalized abortion and crimes against the dignity of human life. Through the Holy Name of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary, I pray, Amen.

My wonderful weekend

This past weekend I interviewed with NET Ministries, because I feel that God is calling me to serve His Kingdom by ministering to youth who are in need of His love.

This weekend was absolutely fantastic. There were moments of great pain where the Devil tried to steal my peace in God's plan for me, but my Blessed Mother came to my rescue and her prayers helped me to trust again. I had so much fun, I grew closer to Christ, and I made some unbelievably awesome friends who I hope to keep for years, no matter who gets accepted this year.

One of my new friends, a magnificent young lady named Melina, I have actually been able to keep in touch with right away via e-mail, and I learned that she is a singer-songwriter slowly trying to work her way into the Christian music industry. Her videos are fantastic, and I wanted to share with all of you the one video that is my favorite so far. Please watch her videos and like them if you have a Youtube account (I do not)! She's trying to get 500 views this year, and she has a really beautiful voice :)

Melina is such a beautiful witness to God's unfailing love. I am honored to call her my friend. We're really different; she's confident and accomplished, I'm kind of goofy and procrastinating. But we share a common desire for Christ and His will above anything else. No one can take our Lord from us, no matter how we suffer or struggle in this life.

Please keep Melina, myself, and about 55 other young men and women who applied for NET this past weekend. We all desire to serve God in this way, and it is a journey that will take faith and strength, accepted or not.

In other news, my younger sister got back from Rome the Friday I was gone at my NET interview, and she bought me a gorgeous scarf and a big pile of Italian candy (I LOVE YOU MEG!!). I am starting my second semester of senior year. And that's about it!

God bless, and take care!

1 John: 4: 7-10

Beloved, let us love one another,

because love is of God;

everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God.

Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love.

In this way the love of God was revealed to us:

God sent his only-begotten Son into the world

so that we might have life through him.

In this is love:

not that we have loved God, but that he loved us

and sent his Son as expiation for our sins.

A picture-dump post

I have just had what was probably the best week of my life, and all I want to do is share a little beauty, so here you go. God bless you, and enjoy!

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2012 and 2013

I am willing to go out on a limb and say that this has been the best year of my life so far.

So much has happened, I've grown so much, seen so much, and learned so much, its just incredible. 

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Last year on this day I was in Rome, Italy. This time around, my younger sister will be going in January!


So I started off this year in another country. My trip to Rome was the scariest, bravest, hardest, and most exciting thing I've ever done. I went because God asked me to, and I don't know exactly how it changed me, but it did. I got to see the body of St. Clare of Assisi, whom I am named after, I got to see Pope Benedict XVI from about five feet away, and I discovered the most magical substance on the face of the earth...Strawberry Gelato!

A lot of other amazing things happened this year, and terrible, hard things, too.

I moved twice in the past two years, met someone mildly famous who I admire, cut my hair too short three times in a row, went to the funeral of a wonderful friend, saw my first friend for an afternoon, spent a week with my best friend and his family, continued to work at a grocery store, applied for Catholic ministry work, procrastinated and slacked off in my studies, said goodbye to a lot of friends going to college, bought a laptop named Quincy, thought I had my wallet stolen, attended an amazing art class, made Pascal from the movie Tangled out of wire, wrote a 50,000 word novel in 30 days, went to a Britt Nicole concert, saw no movies in the theater, ate my weight in egg roles, rediscovered my favorite musical, caught up with my extended family, read a bunch of stunning books....and basically fell more in love with God.

I am looking forward to 2013. I have an interview in January with a United States based missionary organization, and if I get excepted, I'll spend nine months serving the Church by sharing my faith with young people. I will probably find a new job since mine is starting to cost me due to gas money, and I might actually get a driver's license. Maybe.
I will graduate sometime in the spring, and while I have no plans for going to college yet, I recently took my ACT and will find out my scores soon. My options are open.

I have no idea what God has in store for me, but I'm excited. He has a perfect plan, and He has never, ever let me down. I am secure in Christ, and I will continue to try and serve Him above all things, and become a saint.

As I usually do at the end of each year, I like to pick a favorite song or a song that really sums up how I feel about this year and next year. This is extremely difficult for me as I run on music and its been a whole 365 days of awesome songs. But, like I said, I went to a Britt Nicole concert this past fall, and it was really inspiring for me. Britt Nicole is an amazing young woman who has given God her all, and at her concert she said something kind of awesome. She said that no matter how big our dreams are, God's dreams for us are bigger. That is definitely true for my life; I have no idea where I'm going, I'm dreaming too small. But I will follow God wherever His dreams for me will go.

Basically, Britt Nicole is awesome, and I hope I can see her perform live again someday.

So, my song this year is from her. Enjoy, God Bless you, and Happy New Year 2013!

Happy Feast of St. Stephen!

O Great St. Stephen, the scriptures tell us that your face was like an angel’s as you witnessed to the truth of Christ.

Please ask the Most Holy Trinity to fill my soul and the souls of all my brothers and sisters throughout the world with a deep hunger for the truth that comes from the Heart of Jesus, and also with the loving courage to embrace and profess the truth even amid difficulties, confusion, and persecution. 

May the serenity and peace which were yours at the hour of your stoning be ours as well as we wait in hope for the coming of the Lord Jesus who lives and reigns forever and ever.

Amen.

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St. Stephen, the first martyr in witness of Jesus Christ, please strengthen us to defend the faith even in the face of persecution. Intercede for us that we may be courageous. In the Holy Name of Jesus, I pray, Amen. 

Peppermint Winter

Just look at that! JUST LOOK AT IT!

It finally feels like the Christmas season! It finally feels like Advent, even! I don't know how the genius worked out that we celebrate the coming of Jesus at a time when the world is so magically beautiful!