Ever have one of those weeks (months...YEARS...) where you just feel like you're doing everything wrong?
If I'm not careful, I fall into a rut. I start dwelling on all this uncertainty, and all these fears, and all these failures.
I'm not loving people enough.
I'm loving certain people too much.
I'm going to die of a horrible disease.
I'll never be good enough.
You feel lonely, so you believe you're alone.
I keep feeling like something is wrong.
My mother once told me, "Feelings aren't real."
I don't believe that's true, but I do believe that isn't literally what she meant.
What I think she meant was that reality isn't about how we feel. Just because you feel you're doing the right thing, doesn't mean you are. The truth and the way we feel are sometimes inseparable. Other times they're miles apart.
In the words of Lady Antebellum, I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
But I'd rather feel loved than feel alone.
How can I escape this vicious cycle? How can I bear this cross? It is so much heavier than I believe I can bear.
When I feel like I'm doing everything wrong, I struggle with the question, what am I doing right?
Why am I still here?
Do I deserve to be loved?
Will I carry this cross forever?
I could carry it if God would help me lift it.
To quote a most beautiful and touching song, I have to believe that 'as I carry this cross, You'll carry me'. Carry Me (Audrey Assad).
To believe such as this...it must be doing something right.