Saturday, October 2, 2010

The Epic

If you are ever forced to write an Epic in the syle of Virgil for school, know that I feel your pain.

However, it did have its merits.

Here is the one and only epic i have ever written.


The Epic of Ooze

Sing to me muse of the epic,
The tale of the cartoon,
The tale of them who braved the Forest of Viscous Ooze,
Sledgehammer of death and doom.
The two maidens, Clare of the Little Red Riding Hood, and
Taylor Swift of the Golden Locks,
Meandering through the Forest of viscous Ooze.
Taylor, goddess most radiant and fair, strumming her
Enchanted guitar of love song, filling the oozy woods
With Angelic Song, singing Fifteen and
Dubbing her mortal companion a ‘red-haired Abigail’.
Clare scrambled behind, avoiding vial ooze with every step,
Envying Devine Taylor, whom the ooze didn’t dare touch.
It was as Taylor’s melodious voice hit the final
Glorious notes of Fifteen, all terror dropped from the trees.
Teeth bared, glinting with evil, dreadful hammer poised to
Squash, he descended upon them, yapping madly.
Clare screamed and coward behind the goddess, who,
Unafraid, strumming Fearless, stood before the beast,
Her golden heels planted in the soil.
“Roscoe!” she said. “Foul beast—though terribly cute to behold—
How dare you cross my path?!”
“You lead a mortal through my domain! I have all right
To crunch her beneath my hammer
And delight in her demise!”
“Never!” Taylor cried. “I have promised to lead her safely
Through thy vial oozy woods!” She turned than to
Cowering Clare.
“Maiden! Lowly mortal! We must run! I shall guide thee!”
They took off through the trees and ooze,
The monster at their heels, hammer flying.

But alas! Poor Clare! Taylor, goddess of Radiance and Music
Quickly forgot her and left her behind, sprinting off,
The wind snatching away the strains of You Belong With Me.
Alone in a forest full of ooze, terrified and hungry,
Clare sat against a tree, wrapped herself in her red cloak, and wept.
Suddenly, there came a noise from behind—
The terrible thud of an approaching hammer!
Clare screamed loudly, waiting for the crunch of her bones
Beneath Roscoe’s weighty hammer.
But no hammer squashed her…
A voice came yelling, “TIMBER!”
Clare sprang up, as the tree she had sat against
Suddenly fell over! And behind it stood
The woodcutter! “Steve!” Clare cried.
“Clare!” he said. “What are you doing in Minnesota?”
“Tis a terribly long tale…but my plight is your fault! Roscoe,
Foul beast of your creating, is loose—
And after me to crush me with his hammer!”
“Oh…dear,” said Steve. “My apologies…I had thought Roscoe was
Contained safely back home!”
Clare grabbed his hand. “Come—we’ll have to stop him and
Get him back where he belongs—in comic strips!”
They set off together through the Forest of Ooze
To capture Roscoe of the Sledgehammer.

They did not have to look very long—
Roscoe was a speedy little dog with a hammer.
He sprang on them with wild violence
And loud evil laughter.
“Halt!” Steve cried, wielding his axe.
“You!” Roscoe snarled. “Go away! I’m playing!” and
With that, he grabbed Clare and ran off with
Her screaming hysterically over his shoulder.

It was not long after this that Taylor Swift reappeared,
Singing Tim McGraw. She nearly trampled over Steve,
Who sat on a log, sadly wondering what to do.
“What’s this?” Taylor said. “A miserable wood-cutter—
Ah, I know who it is!” And she began playing Hey Stephen.
“Go away!” Steve said. “Can’t you see I’m thinking and miserable?”
“Oh, quite plainly,” Taylor replied. “But no matter. Have
You seen a short, funny red-haired maiden wandering about? I seem
To have misplaced her in my exuberance,”
“That’s Clare!” Steve cried. “She’s been captured by Roscoe!”
Taylor shrugged her shoulders, her goddess eyes fluttering. “How
Sad…she was nice.”
“No…you must help me save her!” he replied angrily.
“Must I?” Taylor asked. “I would so rather perform a concert in
The romantic ruins of Troy!”
“Yes, you must,” Steve replied.
“Very well,” Taylor replied. “Onward!” She began playing
White Horse very dramatically.

Following the path of smashed wreckage,
It did not take Taylor Swift of the Golden Locks and
Steve the Woodcutter long to catch up with Roscoe.
“Whahahaha!” Roscoe’s cackle sounded through the trees.
Taylor Swift, divine goddess that she was, had no trouble alighting on a cloud
And hiding herself and Steve high in the treetops.
“Where is the mortal?” Taylor wondered. “Has your funny
Cartoon dog eaten her or something?”
“No…there she is!” Steve replied. “Tied to that rock down there!”
“Ah, yes,” Taylor replied. “She looks rather miserable. And she’s
covered in slime…yuck!”
“Focus, Taylor!” Steve said. “We must save her!”
Taylor strummed quietly on her guitar, thinking for a
Moment. She smiled. “I’ve got it!” And with that,
She kicked Steve out of the tree.
Clare and Roscoe both looked up as, from the heavens dropped
A rather distressed-looking wood-cutter. “Steve!” Clare screeched.
Fortunately, Taylor, being a goddess, used her divine power to propel Steve right
Into Roscoe, thus squashing and containing him.
“Ouch!” Roscoe yelped indignantly, most uncomfortable.
“Harrah!” Taylor Swift cried, descending from the trees. “I have
Saved the day!” She played Our Song triumphantly.
As soon as disheveled Steve could move again, Roscoe was
Quickly contained within a sketch book for later use, squealing
And complaining loudly, while Taylor released Clare from her chains.
“You may now both bow and offer me sacrifice in gratitude!” Taylor
Swift said, strumming the opening chords of Love Story.
Reluctantly, Clare and Steve applauded for the goddess.
“Now!” Taylor cried. “I still must keep my promise to lead
The mortal maiden through this ooze-filled forest! Come, Clare
Of the Little Red Riding Hood, and Steve the Woodcutter, if you
Care to join us!”
“Let’s get it over with,” Clare said, dragging even more
Reluctant Steve after her.
And so, the triumphant trio, divine Taylor Swift in the lead,
Marched onward to freedom, daylight, and departure from
The Forest of Viscous Ooze!

The End.

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