Monday, August 8, 2011

Digging for Gold

Lately, I've been having an identity crisis, and digging for gold.

I tell myself I only want the truth, but I know better. Inside, I'd settle for a beautiful lie so no one would have to be hurt. Which is maybe the worst thing of all.

But still, in spite of my fear that the truth will hurt me, or someone I love, I want to know it. I seek it out, maybe subconsciously.

I want to know what love really is. I want to know who can be trusted. I want to know how many seeds are in the average pomegranate. I want to know how a digital camera really works. I want to know who invented hot glue guns. I want to pretend I don't know that a chocolate covered cherry isn't really injected with the gooey syrup...stupid reactionary science in food. I want to know that everything will be OK. I want to know that someone I love will never, ever leave me. I want to know that if they do leave, it's for a good reason, and something even better is just out of sight.

Most of all...I want to know who I am.

It's become an obsession of mine recently to discover why I am the way I am, what I want, who I want to be with, what I want to do, and what I want to become. I want to know why I get so afraid of things all the time. I want to find the gold hiding at the bottom of the stream of my heart. I want to pull it out and polish it and show the world that I really do have worth!

It's like I have this unrealistic idea that if I know myself, I'll be worth something. I'll have proof of what I am and what I can do.

For instance, recently I did a post on Lovers/Fighters. After that post, my friend sent me a 7-question quiz to see if you're a lover or a fighter, and when I took it, it said I was a fighter. After all my talk about how I was more of a lover, I laughed at it and said, "NOPE!"

But later, my mom and sisters laughed at me and said I was totally a fighter. So I pondered this. You know what? It's completely true. But, in my search for self-discovery, I was actually OK with that.

 If you don't know who you are, someone else will tell you. I'm desperately reaching out and holding onto my identity as a girl, as a Christian, as a human being. Because the thing about your identity, is that if you don't have it, you'll be taken by anyone. If you have it, than no one can take it away.

So often, I'm desperately searching for who I am...usually outside of myself, maybe because I know that where I really ought to go to find me, is inside of me. And I'm afraid to go there.

I get so hung up on a superficial 'identity', on learning new things about myself, on becoming perfect and all that I can be. I focus so much on the 'work', that I never bear any fruit. I go so crazy to get what I want, that I never actually get it.

What I too frequently let myself forget, is that I already have an identity.

Ever since I was little, my parents told me who I was. They told me, "You are a gift from God."

They told me I was a priceless treasure that they wouldn't trade for anything.

And I think they were telling me that God felt the same way, too.

"I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys." Song of Songs 2:1

I'm still seeking out for myself and who I am, because I know that this is a great strength. But I also know that no matter what I know about myself, I don't need to worry that I have no identity. I'll keep asking myself new questions and doing new things and becoming more and more myself. I am a little piece of gold, hiding beneath rocks and rushing river.

All along, God is searching for me. He will never give up until he finds me, and makes me into something beautiful. 

1 comment:

  1. Clare that is beautiful and I am so proud of you, who you are now, who you have been and who you will be...remember everything that is alive is CHANGING!!
    Love you, Mom